Growing the Young Spots

Sometimes I feel my strength crumble. Just crumble, like an old building in a time lapsed movie. It feels like that, chunks of armor falling off, weakness and vulnerability suddenly exposed to the surface. It's a feeling in my chest, my limbs, like a sickness in my veins. Often, it's actually painful. Life can hand me circumstances that have this effect. No amount of self coaching or input from friends can make it stop. And the circumstances don't have to be anything an outside observer might call significant. But somehow the circumstances touch a deep weakness, a trouble spot down inside, and as a result of the circumstances, I feel the weakness and trouble.

My therapist calls these weak places "young spots." Places where some childhood shock caused me to stop trusting, and therefore to stop growing. So, in adult life, when life serves up circumstances that touch these young places, I re-experience the shock that caused them. I don't need a clear memory, or even a dim one, of the original shock. The feeling is still there and gets shaken loose sometimes. It's a problem because it's debilitating and hinders the progress and creativity.

I have a clear vision of what I want my life to be. Sometimes I'm visited by a certain, recognizable feeling that occurs when I encounter an opportunity of a certain caliber. When I feel that feeling, I realize that this opportunity is connected to my destiny. I still rember the moment I first felt this for what it is. It's powerful, inspiring, energizing. But it's no guarantee of anything. One of my biggest struggles is with the old shock that can emerge when a chance to forward my destiny is threatened, or just feels threatened. Somehow, doubt and lack of trust become huge powerful monsters under those circumstances, and my strength crumbles before them. Confidence disappears. Down iniside me there seems to be a young spot, filled with dark, angry energy, that is doesn't believe my destiny will be achieved, no matter how the universe conspires to achieve it, and lashes out in frustration at the slightest hint of failure.

As exhilirating as the recognition of destiny feels, this dark energy is every bit as strong in the other direction. But there is opportunity here; it's a chance to grow. The hard part is, to begin the growth process I have to genuinely feel the hard feelings. I have to sit down with that dark energy and listen to it. Not try to stop it, not judge it or condemn it, not hate it or resist it in any way. I have to let it have it's tantrum as if I were the parent of a very large, very powerful child. By doing that I set the stage for growth.

The next thing is to watch, observe the situation, search for patterns in my thoughts, responses, tendencies, common reactions to recurring stresses. These things are clues to healing the shock. Usually the circumstances that bring out the shock are similar from one instance to the next, like with my sense of destiny. This practice enables somethng better than just enduring or even managing the feelings. It enables me to "grow" the young spot into maturity so the debilitating feelings recur less forcefully, or disappear altogether. In time, with practice, technique, and patience, I can transform the young spot, maybe even harness the energy it hoards and burns. I can begin to steer the ship instead of feeling keel-hauled.

Ever forward.

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